Widowed
I remarried in 2012. After focusing on my loving relationship with my second husband, Joel in my body of work “Second Time Around,” I realized that my feelings about my first husband’s passing were still evolving, bubbling up occasionally at random times.
Since March of 2018, I have been meeting with widows and widowers of all ages, gay and straight, having been in legal marriages or in committed partnerships. We have a conversation, recorded for accuracy, and I make the portrait. A printed statement from the subject accompanies each photograph. This process is emotionally satisfying as my sitters and I examine together how a marriage can shape us going forward. I hope that by sharing their stories, those suffering this profound loss - whether recently or not - will take comfort in recognition and shared experience.
Robin– 41 years together, 2.5 years after: "You need to like yourself. And I think that's important. Forty-one years together. And I know we were very different personalities. And so, you temper each other and then suddenly, he's not there. And I thought, who am I, what parts of the tempered me do I want to hang onto now that he's not tempering that anymore? I know, as I go around thinking, all right, Brian, yeah, you'll be pleased. I did this and I did that. And I think that helps because I think we become better people as a result of living with somebody for that long.
I didn't want to just all of a sudden spring back to the more flawed version of me earlier on, I'm still very flawed, and his tempering wasn't always the right tempering, but it's really interesting how we mold each other a little bit without even realizing it. Who do I become when that balancing piece isn't there anymore? I'm still trying to figure that out."
I didn't want to just all of a sudden spring back to the more flawed version of me earlier on, I'm still very flawed, and his tempering wasn't always the right tempering, but it's really interesting how we mold each other a little bit without even realizing it. Who do I become when that balancing piece isn't there anymore? I'm still trying to figure that out."
Denise - 26 years together, 15 years after: ”He had esophageal cancer and we knew almost immediately that it couldn't be cured. Then he lived for a year and a half. He died two weeks after the doctor told him to look into hospice. He never went to hospice, but he did die in the hospital.
I have strong feelings of regret sometimes; they're more petty regrets. And probably my biggest regret is the day the doctor said that it's time to look into hospice. We went out and we sat down in the waiting room, and he started to weep, and I was all kind of, ‘Oh, we'll do this, and we'll do that’. You know, I can't even remember, but like, ‘We'll look at this, we'll try’. And I just have always regretted that. I simply didn't sit with him in that moment and let him just grieve what he had now been told. His uncle who was much, much older died a couple years ago and his son spoke at his funeral. He said, I never saw my father cry except the day they told him he was going to die. So again, I just wish I had been less reassuring and more present. I think the things that trigger strong feelings are often regret-sins of omission kind of things.”
I have strong feelings of regret sometimes; they're more petty regrets. And probably my biggest regret is the day the doctor said that it's time to look into hospice. We went out and we sat down in the waiting room, and he started to weep, and I was all kind of, ‘Oh, we'll do this, and we'll do that’. You know, I can't even remember, but like, ‘We'll look at this, we'll try’. And I just have always regretted that. I simply didn't sit with him in that moment and let him just grieve what he had now been told. His uncle who was much, much older died a couple years ago and his son spoke at his funeral. He said, I never saw my father cry except the day they told him he was going to die. So again, I just wish I had been less reassuring and more present. I think the things that trigger strong feelings are often regret-sins of omission kind of things.”
Nanette-27 years together, 11 years after: "Fred had many motorcycle accidents in his life and a year or two before this, he had had an accident and almost lost his life. And then, he borrowed someone's motorcycle because he had given up motorcycle riding. We talked about motorcycles all the time in therapy. The person who lent him the motorcycle didn't have insurance. So, Fred had to pay the person $5,000 because he totaled his bike. I think because he had that accident, he realized he could die. And he got an incredible life insurance policy for me, but never told me. And I had no idea.
You know, I learned more about my marriage, I think after, than during. I learned a lot from Fred, and we didn't have kids, so we traveled a lot, all over the world. And so, was I happily married? You know, my therapist told me, when I first told her I was going to marry Fred, ‘Don't marry him. He's your mom.’ My mom was very needy. You know, I had to be her mom. So, I took on that role with Fred. When we traveled, he'd have this fit and I'd have to fix things, you know, or like the whole trip, for example when we went to India, I'd have to plan everything out, no input. He didn't have any energy to give to anything at home. Well, that's not entirely true. I mean he gardened, and he did provide a nice living, so we didn't have to financially worry about things.
My therapist was supportive. My family was supportive. My friends were very supportive, but you know, I must add to all that. I don't think it lasted long enough. And they don't understand.
I did have trouble letting go of Fred. So much of my artwork started because of Fred. He had gotten killed on the expressway. While driving, I started noticing retread and blown out tires. And then I found one on the expressway and I picked it up and I went to my sister and she's like, don't get killed picking up retread and blown out tires. Every expressway has a dump. So, all you need to do is go to the dump, explain your story and you can get what they pick up on the expressway. I went to the dump, talked to the guy, and I stopped there every week to look through what was there; I had so many tires and I started taking pictures of them. And then they started reminding me of body parts. And I did get rid of all of them, except for one. So, everything was still revolving around Fred.
There's something comforting to know I got through it, you know, like at Fred's Memorial people would say, you're doing so well, are you on drugs? and I'd be like, no, I don't want to have to fall and have to get up again. So, I'm going to stay up, and just do the best I can."
You know, I learned more about my marriage, I think after, than during. I learned a lot from Fred, and we didn't have kids, so we traveled a lot, all over the world. And so, was I happily married? You know, my therapist told me, when I first told her I was going to marry Fred, ‘Don't marry him. He's your mom.’ My mom was very needy. You know, I had to be her mom. So, I took on that role with Fred. When we traveled, he'd have this fit and I'd have to fix things, you know, or like the whole trip, for example when we went to India, I'd have to plan everything out, no input. He didn't have any energy to give to anything at home. Well, that's not entirely true. I mean he gardened, and he did provide a nice living, so we didn't have to financially worry about things.
My therapist was supportive. My family was supportive. My friends were very supportive, but you know, I must add to all that. I don't think it lasted long enough. And they don't understand.
I did have trouble letting go of Fred. So much of my artwork started because of Fred. He had gotten killed on the expressway. While driving, I started noticing retread and blown out tires. And then I found one on the expressway and I picked it up and I went to my sister and she's like, don't get killed picking up retread and blown out tires. Every expressway has a dump. So, all you need to do is go to the dump, explain your story and you can get what they pick up on the expressway. I went to the dump, talked to the guy, and I stopped there every week to look through what was there; I had so many tires and I started taking pictures of them. And then they started reminding me of body parts. And I did get rid of all of them, except for one. So, everything was still revolving around Fred.
There's something comforting to know I got through it, you know, like at Fred's Memorial people would say, you're doing so well, are you on drugs? and I'd be like, no, I don't want to have to fall and have to get up again. So, I'm going to stay up, and just do the best I can."
Katy - 37 years together, 9 years after: "I think I lost myself a lot in the relationship. I lost my confidence and my ability to love myself. I had one of those battered women type mentalities then. I felt I wasn't good enough. I wasn't battered physically, but mentally, it's just as bad.
The hurt of him alive hurting me was a different type of hurt...now that he's gone, I'm going to go through that hurting and it's going to be done. I won’t have to learn to just manage it and I won’t have to live it every day over and over. His sister actually said, now you're free.
The relationship was bad. And it was strange because it wasn't until he actually died that I started remembering the things that we did that were good. I couldn't even remember those things until he was gone, and I had time to say, oh, remember when we did this? That was so much fun.
After therapy, as a coping mechanism, I started baking. One night, I couldn't sleep, so at 10:30pm, I started baking. I baked all night. I baked cakes, biscuits, pancakes, garlic bread and so much more. I didn't stop until 6:00am the next morning. I still bake off and on."
The hurt of him alive hurting me was a different type of hurt...now that he's gone, I'm going to go through that hurting and it's going to be done. I won’t have to learn to just manage it and I won’t have to live it every day over and over. His sister actually said, now you're free.
The relationship was bad. And it was strange because it wasn't until he actually died that I started remembering the things that we did that were good. I couldn't even remember those things until he was gone, and I had time to say, oh, remember when we did this? That was so much fun.
After therapy, as a coping mechanism, I started baking. One night, I couldn't sleep, so at 10:30pm, I started baking. I baked all night. I baked cakes, biscuits, pancakes, garlic bread and so much more. I didn't stop until 6:00am the next morning. I still bake off and on."
Jonita - 12 years together, 5 months after:"I was talking to my sister, and I was telling her that I'm going to look into getting some counseling because, one of the things we had in common, we both suffered from depression. We were both on antidepressants, and the first couple of months after he passed, it was stifling my grieving because they tend to dull your emotions.
Since December, I've been off antidepressants and I'm feeling a lot more than I thought I would feel. I'll go between grief and anger, you know? It's like, what happened? Why weren't you doing whatever it was you were supposed to do? I'd have to get on him, take your medication, go to the doctor. He’d say everything was fine, but now I'm angry because, there was something you didn't tell me, that you didn't tell anybody.
And it kind of clouds the sad, but man, I have days I think about him, and I just have to laugh because I think of all of the funny things he used to say; he used to like to make up characters and they were hilarious. And I’m feeling guilty that I don't feel sad enough. Does that make sense?
I'm usually a very spiritual person and I think this kind of taxed my spirituality a bit. I believe in all kinds of things, but now I'm like, hmm, maybe not. Maybe this has all been in my head. So, it's got me questioning a lot."
Since December, I've been off antidepressants and I'm feeling a lot more than I thought I would feel. I'll go between grief and anger, you know? It's like, what happened? Why weren't you doing whatever it was you were supposed to do? I'd have to get on him, take your medication, go to the doctor. He’d say everything was fine, but now I'm angry because, there was something you didn't tell me, that you didn't tell anybody.
And it kind of clouds the sad, but man, I have days I think about him, and I just have to laugh because I think of all of the funny things he used to say; he used to like to make up characters and they were hilarious. And I’m feeling guilty that I don't feel sad enough. Does that make sense?
I'm usually a very spiritual person and I think this kind of taxed my spirituality a bit. I believe in all kinds of things, but now I'm like, hmm, maybe not. Maybe this has all been in my head. So, it's got me questioning a lot."
Susan H- 29 years together, 24 years after: "I started keeping a journal and I ended up treating myself by having a very nice book binder make this into a lovely book. But what I did is that I made myself sit down and write about every detail of the day of our last day, the day he died. I couldn't do it for about three weeks. I was just in shock, but three weeks into it, I sat down and wrote, ‘February 4,1999, Houston died three weeks ago. My husband is dead. He was killed when…’, and then I went on and I told everything I remembered about the day.
I decided to keep this journal starting three weeks later. I had to have every month represented, but I could write 30 times a month or one time a month. I kept it from February 4,1999-December 7, 2001 and then added a final entry way later, on August 21, 2020."
I decided to keep this journal starting three weeks later. I had to have every month represented, but I could write 30 times a month or one time a month. I kept it from February 4,1999-December 7, 2001 and then added a final entry way later, on August 21, 2020."
Rebecca - 5 years together, 2.5 years after: "You don't get over it. You don't move on from it. You move forward. You know, a lot of people will think like, oh aren't you over this yet? No. I’m young, my person died, and now I have another 50, 60 years without that person. I said till death, do us part, but I thought we were going to grow old together and now that's not going to happen. And that just reminded me of a trigger. Sometimes old people holding hands in the supermarket destroys me because I'm never going to have that with him. Might I have it with somebody else? Yes. But I'm never going to have it with him. And it sucks. Yeah. And as an English teacher, I've been trying to find a better word for that for two and a half years. And there isn't one, it just sucks. And we just kind of learn how to live and exist with the suck."
Andrea – 25 years together, 2 years after: "He wasn't the kind of guy that would go to therapy or anything like that. We often had arguments and he was sometimes not kind to me. But we always felt it was important to stay together and stay married and work on our marriage and our relationship. And we had two wonderful children who, despite the rocky relationship he and I had together, are wonderful.
He just had a rough go of things, I think over his whole life, that contributed to his behavior and our troubles. When I had to get out of a bad situation, I had people to go to and places to be. If I couldn't be here, I could go someplace. I have tons of support. I have a wonderful family, and wonderful friends. So, it's nice that I had that. And now they support me in my new life.
I think I'm just kind of trying to let go. I'm not trying to forget about him. And I'm not trying to negate our life together. He truly loved us and showed it through his actions of self-sacrifice and hard work ethic. I will always respect and love him for that. But I'm trying to move on and trying to look forward to the rest of my life."
He just had a rough go of things, I think over his whole life, that contributed to his behavior and our troubles. When I had to get out of a bad situation, I had people to go to and places to be. If I couldn't be here, I could go someplace. I have tons of support. I have a wonderful family, and wonderful friends. So, it's nice that I had that. And now they support me in my new life.
I think I'm just kind of trying to let go. I'm not trying to forget about him. And I'm not trying to negate our life together. He truly loved us and showed it through his actions of self-sacrifice and hard work ethic. I will always respect and love him for that. But I'm trying to move on and trying to look forward to the rest of my life."
Elaine - 16 years together, 8 years after: "Money was nothing for him. He had great friends, lots of great friends. And he was just a great guy. And even when he was ill, I never felt it was a burden taking care of him. I felt in a way, it was a blessing that I was allowed to do this, because if he was single, what would have happened to him if he had gotten this. And you know, I, I've written many essays about him and in some of my essays, I haven't come back to earth and he's sitting here and he's at the piano and we have a conversation. Those are the fun things. I bring him to life a lot. I know Tommy is happy I got a dog again because I didn't have a dog for seven years. I know he's really happy I got the dog. So, I feel him here too."
Karen- 37 years together, 11 weeks after: "We were both artists, so we were both supportive of each other and he gave me a lot of good feedback on my artwork. When he retired, he called himself my ‘studio boy’, because he used to help me with stuff in my studio: frame things, give me input and feedback on my work. Everything. He came to so many of my openings. He was just super supportive.
Right after he got diagnosed, the thing that he was most concerned about, and this was the thing that was hardest for me- the thing that upset him most, was that we were going to be separated at some point.
I said to my friend the other day, I don't know whether I'll ever feel like a whole person again. But she said, think of it like you were an injured tree and that you'll grow around it.”
Right after he got diagnosed, the thing that he was most concerned about, and this was the thing that was hardest for me- the thing that upset him most, was that we were going to be separated at some point.
I said to my friend the other day, I don't know whether I'll ever feel like a whole person again. But she said, think of it like you were an injured tree and that you'll grow around it.”
Patricia – 55 years together, 1 year after: "It was found in Andy’s physical, at work when he was 44 years old that he had multiple myeloma. And so, we were very, very blessed that he lived to be in his seventies. We fought a long, hard fight. But we had a great time because it could all turn bad so quickly. And we had kids to put through college. We had things to do - that's the way we felt about it. We would put it on the shelf after the doctor's appointments. Usually toward the end. We would go to the casino because it was on the way home and just try to have a nice time.
I don't feel as if I grieve. I'm sad that he's gone, but boy, we had a great ride, you know, we had some good times. And I'm not sad about that. I just always thought, well, we'll get through this and then we'll go on. And we did, we did, we went through the treatment, he stayed in the hospital for maybe a week. And then he came out and got better. And we went on with our lives. We just didn't stop living because he had multiple myeloma."
I don't feel as if I grieve. I'm sad that he's gone, but boy, we had a great ride, you know, we had some good times. And I'm not sad about that. I just always thought, well, we'll get through this and then we'll go on. And we did, we did, we went through the treatment, he stayed in the hospital for maybe a week. And then he came out and got better. And we went on with our lives. We just didn't stop living because he had multiple myeloma."
Britten - 40 years together, 1 year after: "Mike passed away from prostate cancer. He was sick for a couple of years. The last four years, I kept telling him, baby, go to the doctor. 'No, leave me alone.' I don't know what's wrong with Black men, they don't like to go to the doctor. Is it a Black man thing, not going to the doctor? They're afraid. It's just a man thing, right? I knew something was wrong and I'm like, let's go, let's go. And he's like, no, no. I said, what's the matter? Are you scared? And he's like, no, I'm not scared. So, I was like, let's go. And when he found out he had cancer it was stage four because he wouldn't go.
I dreamed about Mike twice and that was it. He came to me one night. One night I was crying, and I went to sleep crying and I felt something warm come over me like a hug. It was like, my face was on his chest. And that was the most beautiful dream.
I don't want to fall into a deep depression. You know what I mean? I'm stronger than that. And for coping with it - music. I listen to music all the time and um, D-Nice. I know you've heard of him because he's been on TV. He's won awards. I've been listening to D- Nice for the past 17 and a half months. And he's been getting me through it."
I dreamed about Mike twice and that was it. He came to me one night. One night I was crying, and I went to sleep crying and I felt something warm come over me like a hug. It was like, my face was on his chest. And that was the most beautiful dream.
I don't want to fall into a deep depression. You know what I mean? I'm stronger than that. And for coping with it - music. I listen to music all the time and um, D-Nice. I know you've heard of him because he's been on TV. He's won awards. I've been listening to D- Nice for the past 17 and a half months. And he's been getting me through it."
Charles - 48 years together, 15 months after: "The first thing that was unexpectedly, profoundly, upsetting - our older daughter, Rebecca, was going to take Hope's jewelry box home to put jewelry in and I was 'fine, fine take that.' But, after she left, I panicked, because I suddenly realized I didn't want her to take it. I was so relieved to see that it was still there, on top of the dresser, on Hope's side of the bed. I hadn't thought about it, but every night when I lay down to sleep, I face her way, looking at it."
Josi - 40 years together, 2.5 years after: "I said to my grief counselor, I want to take away the pain. How do I take away this pain? And she said to me, you cannot take away the pain. You have two choices. You can either take drugs, and or sleep for the next six months. Or you can face it, cry all the time for a short period of time. Get through it. And little by little you'll get stronger. And that's the choice I took. And that's why I think I'm doing better than a lot of people, because I made the decision to go through it and I'm not going to push it to the background. I'm going to deal with it every day, and that's what I'm doing.
I'm not the same person I was before he died. I met a woman whose husband died five years before. This is probably a few months ago. And she said, I'm not back to myself yet. And I had a big discussion in my group about that and we all agreed. We will never be what we were. We will never be who we were because this is a life altering experience. So just get used to the idea that you are going to transition and change and just be comfortable with that because your new self may be better than your old self."
I'm not the same person I was before he died. I met a woman whose husband died five years before. This is probably a few months ago. And she said, I'm not back to myself yet. And I had a big discussion in my group about that and we all agreed. We will never be what we were. We will never be who we were because this is a life altering experience. So just get used to the idea that you are going to transition and change and just be comfortable with that because your new self may be better than your old self."
Barbara M G - 54 years together, 3 years after: "When he died, I went right back to work. I took a week to do all the paperwork and all of that sort of thing, the administrative stuff you have to do, cleared out his clothes immediately - everything. I do things right away. And then I went right back to work and I was good. I was okay. He had been in such bad shape, and in such pain, that the release of that was to me really a blessing for him. And it's funny, I actually felt his presence, the essence of him, more after he died than I had for a couple of years before. I just felt such an intense sense that he was with me and I could almost feel him next to me in bed. It's funny. As a result I didn't have this enormous grief. I was grateful he wasn't suffering anymore."
Gailanne-32 years together, 6 weeks after: "Taking a nap has been something that for me has always been, well, I've tried, but it never worked. So, in the last few weeks I found myself suddenly sometimes right after lunch feeling like I'm tired, I'm really tired. And, I've gone into my bedroom, with my book and lasted about two paragraphs and just closed my eyes. And I said, I just don't want to pretend I'm reading. And not really slept, but just kind of tried to call him, you know, like just tried to be in a calm place where I could say, 'Oh, look, honey, I'm taking a nap. Are you happy? You always wanted me to take a nap, now I'm taking a nap. Like, let's chat. I'm not busy. I'm fine. And up running around. Like we can talk, you know?'"
Diana - 22 years together, 6.5 years after: "Part of taking care of yourself is taking care of your kids because it's all the same. That's what I say. And my therapist or a friend will say, what have you done for you? And I say, you're only as happy as your most miserable child. The best thing of all is these two kids and when they have suffered trauma,you are that much more fierce about your happiness being in large part about their being able to adjust and cope and function with the grief and sadness in their lives, and to also learn that they can experience joy and pleasure."
Danielle - 28 years together, 2 years after: "Grief counseling. Whenever I would feel lost, I would give them a call. That really helped a lot. I just think everybody deals with it differently. A lot of people have opinions on how you handle it."
Darrell - 25 years together, 1.5 years after: "We had a cocktail hour every Saturday evening after Roger came home from church and before going out to dinner. It usually included wine or champagne, cheese, some fruit, nuts, and crackers. We would have some unobtrusive music on. This would be our time, every week, to really talk to each other. About life, our shared or personal histories or any plans we had for the future."
Donna - 35 years together, 1.5 months after: "Part of me is lost. I don't feel that I'm alone, but I miss him very much. You know, just conversations. I'm at the crosswalks and this part of my life right now - I'm not making many decisions. I think some people really don't see a future. I do. I don't know what it is and I'm not going to rush to make a plan."
Eddie - 27 years together, 14 years after: "In the beginning, the dreams were vivid. I remember one particular dream where I woke up and saw her silhouette coming at me, kind of a white energy, if you will, but I saw a silhouette. I didn't see her face, but I knew it was she and I saw her coming at me as I sat up and it was frightening. Frightening at first and then as it engulfed me, I felt a sense of calm and so to this day I associate her love and her protection in that moment of being engulfed in her silhouette."
Gail S - 46 years together, 9 years after: "I don't think his doctors were really treating the whole patient. I think maybe he could have used an antidepressant. I think they weren't managing his care as well as perhaps they might have. And there was nothing I could do. All we could do is live out our lives. He was not the man I married, but I was there for him and did what I could.
I wish I'd done more. I wish I'd been kinder, frankly. But, I did as well as I could and he did as well as he could too. I mean - we loved each other to the end. We weren't always as nice to each other as we should have been. So I try to remember that."
John - 32 years together, 15 months after: "I have always been seen as a strong person, but never thought I would ever need therapy until it got it. You know, with a Black family, therapy is not high on the list of priorities, but a Black family needs therapy as much as anybody else."
Judy - 30 years together, 5 years after: "I feel his presence very strongly sometimes and I mean I've never tried to pin down what it is that triggers that. I know sometimes I get into bed at night and I know there's something I can discuss with him and then it sort of hits me - 'well no. you can't'. Um, it's very jarring. And his presence is very real. Sometimes, I'll be in the bedroom or I'll be here in the living room and I know he's in the other room. I just know he's in the other room."
Lori - 22 years together, 11 years after: "I was looking for comforting books and trying to reconcile God's role in the whole thing. And how can bad things happen to good people. And why is there so much suffering in the world and all those age - old questions. And then afterwards I got really caught up in the girls and I started doing a lot of reading about that. I remember I have this book called Fatherless Daughters - I just really wanted to know how could I help them, and there was almost nothing on it."
Melissa - 30 years together, 2.5 years after: "I went back to work about two weeks after the funeral. It's a very strange feeling to go back. People look at you. They don't know what to say to you. I guess for some people it's easier to ignore it and just ignore you than to confront you and say, 'How are you doing'?
I think living on my own was one of the hardest things that I've had to deal with. Just figuring out how do I feed myself because there were always two of us, you know, and when you go from two to one, sometimes I don't eat - sometimes it's like two or three days, and I'm like, 'Did I eat'?"
Paula GR - 25 years together, 7 months after: "I have to be home because I keep saying I think he's lost and I have to be here in case he comes back. I want him to find me here. I have no desire to travel.
There are so many people who haven't known love in their life and it's those people I feel so sorry for. It's why I can't be greedy. I keep feeling I can't be greedy because I had him for 25 years."
Paula T - 25 years together, 9 years after: "I'm not religious, but there's one thing that happened when she passed that was just the weirdest thing in that room that she was in, it was a beautiful room. It was in a revamped house and there were gardens and flowers outside the windows and she had these French doors that looked out to the garden, and looking through the glass doors, there were two bunnies on their back, legs at the glass looking in.
And then all of a sudden I looked outside and there were like 20 bunnies all rolling and playing. And then she was gone. So, you know, it's that crazy time when you look for magical thinking. I know that. And if anybody notices my art collection at home, there may be a bunny here and there, because it always stuck with me."
Rami - 29 years together, 11 years after: "We did a renewal of the vows when she was already very sick. I surprised her. We had friends over for a barbecue when she was already pretty ill and I said, okay, we're now going to do a renewal of our vows. I had a friend act as the rabbi, so to speak, and read something that I had prepared. It made her feel really good. So if you could do something like that for your spouse, it can make them feel very special."
Ronnye - 20 years together, 17.5 years after: "We both had kids from previous marriages and we were introduced by mutual friends. So he came to pick me up for our first date, it was a blind date. And he was wearing the toupee and a polyester suit. 'Oh' I said, 'No, like no.' But I had a good time. We went out and he was kind and generous and attentive and so I went out with him again."
Santiago - 25 years together, 2 years after: "It's been two years. I think about her all the time. When I see my sons, my daughter - I see my wife in them. She was the best woman for me in the world - a beautiful person."
Stephanie -10 years together, 3 years after: "The way I kind of wrap my head around it all is, it's not just that someone died - it's like a weird way to end the relationship. It's the weirdest way because all these conversations were never finished, and nothing is ever resolved."
Sandi -35 years together, 16 years after: "There were people who saw us weeks before he died. They thought we were newlyweds. It was that kind of relationship. We never walked down the street without holding hands. We'd go to a movie and he'd be patting me on the knee. And my heart still skipped a beat when he came into the room."
Susan R - 21 years together, 13 months after: "I didn't do bereavement counseling. I did rest a great deal. My first concern was that I had heard of stories of relationships, of one spouse ending and the other spouse leaving afterwards, kind of like a twinning situation. And I was very aware and concerned of that, so I rested. I strategically rested, like flat out, made myself lie down and rest just to deal with the biomechanics of death. You're with someone 21 years. You don't know what your nervous system is going to do. You don't know what your heart's going to do. You don't know what your brain's going to do. You have to just let it recalibrate. I had dealt with the passing of my son before. I have a son who passed and he was 18, so he taught me, you know, one of the amazing kind of gifts that he gave me was he taught me about deep grief."
Bonnie - 40 years together, 5 years after: "The paradox of my life is, I raised three kids. I had a marriage for 40 years. I had two, three quarter time jobs. I was working more than 60 hours a week. I had a sick husband, at the end, to be with and attend to as much as I could. And then all of a sudden I'm a widow and I have so much empty time. And that realization was profound. I still struggle with it because once mortality hits, you know, you lose your life partner. I mean I didn't even need to get cancer to have that mortality message. And then I got cancer. So mortality hits and you think, okay, fortunately I've survived. How do I want to spend my time? What is worth my time? And so that's an ever - evolving quest."
Harriet -47 years together, 29 years after: "I was very fortunate in the way I took his death. When you read a book you finish the book, you close the book. That doesn't mean you don't read another book."
Jane - 30 years together, 2.5 years after: "I've read that when older people lose their partners then you don't get touched. To be without touch is a terrible thing. It's like up there with food and shelter. And that's why it's good to get out there and meet people and yes, have companionship. I think people sort of go back to their usual state before a spouse died. I mean if you've been a person with a sense of humor you will go back to having a sense of humor- you retain your basic self."
Yvonne-17 years together,14 years after: “We were happily married. You have your highs and your lows, and we had both, but I loved my husband, and I was very very, very connected to him. I respected him, and even if we’d had an argument, I always loved seeing him…. always. When I would talk to him on the phone, he had such a sweet voice, and I always loved hearing his voice. I just loved him, and that's the way I felt about Chuck.
He died in 2009. I must have started writing the book (Brave in a New World: A Guide to Grieving the Loss of a Spouse) in 2012, and I finished it in 2014. I'm glad I wrote it back then because my memory was a little bit better back then and everything was so recent. And, you know, it seemed like yesterday. If I were to write that now, when I read back on some of the stuff I've written, I recall that these things did happen, everything, really. But all the details might not be as fresh as they were back then. And so that was a great mechanism for my healing. I also meditated, I got back to my spiritual self, getting back to just praying and meditating and lighting candles and writing thoughts down-journaling. Those were some of the tools I used to move my life forward.
When I started my life after Chuck, I knew that I'd have to discard some old and embrace the new. And so, what worked for me was. I had a girlfriend who invited me to join her book club, and those were all new people. I knew some vaguely, but I really didn't know anybody. Well, that was the most incredibly, wonderful thing. That was a gift to me because then I was able to develop new friendships and keep them independent of the book club. And so today, most of my friends are the friends I've made since my husband has passed away.
I think that it's important for widows to be gentle with themselves. If it feels like it's taking a long time for you to get through the grief experience, be aware that it does take a long time. No matter what people around you are telling you, or if they are trying to rush you to get over it, you take as much time as you need. It is a journey. I know some people have said oh, why do they call it a journey? The answer is because it is; it's almost like an unknown adventure. And you're going to experience anxiety, stress, anger, sadness, and joy. You’ll experience a whole gamut of emotions, and you'll feel something is missing. In my experience, one day I came home and went through my evening, went to bed, woke up, went through my evening the next day, and then it hit me that I no longer had those feelings of sadness and remorse. It kind of came out of the blue, like, oh, okay, I'm getting better. I'm healing.”
He died in 2009. I must have started writing the book (Brave in a New World: A Guide to Grieving the Loss of a Spouse) in 2012, and I finished it in 2014. I'm glad I wrote it back then because my memory was a little bit better back then and everything was so recent. And, you know, it seemed like yesterday. If I were to write that now, when I read back on some of the stuff I've written, I recall that these things did happen, everything, really. But all the details might not be as fresh as they were back then. And so that was a great mechanism for my healing. I also meditated, I got back to my spiritual self, getting back to just praying and meditating and lighting candles and writing thoughts down-journaling. Those were some of the tools I used to move my life forward.
When I started my life after Chuck, I knew that I'd have to discard some old and embrace the new. And so, what worked for me was. I had a girlfriend who invited me to join her book club, and those were all new people. I knew some vaguely, but I really didn't know anybody. Well, that was the most incredibly, wonderful thing. That was a gift to me because then I was able to develop new friendships and keep them independent of the book club. And so today, most of my friends are the friends I've made since my husband has passed away.
I think that it's important for widows to be gentle with themselves. If it feels like it's taking a long time for you to get through the grief experience, be aware that it does take a long time. No matter what people around you are telling you, or if they are trying to rush you to get over it, you take as much time as you need. It is a journey. I know some people have said oh, why do they call it a journey? The answer is because it is; it's almost like an unknown adventure. And you're going to experience anxiety, stress, anger, sadness, and joy. You’ll experience a whole gamut of emotions, and you'll feel something is missing. In my experience, one day I came home and went through my evening, went to bed, woke up, went through my evening the next day, and then it hit me that I no longer had those feelings of sadness and remorse. It kind of came out of the blue, like, oh, okay, I'm getting better. I'm healing.”
Kathleen -39 years together, 5 years after: "There are things that sort of force you to deal with it. My dog has died since, but I still had a dog then and you got to get up and walk them no matter what. I will say I'm probably a little bit worse since the dog died because I can sleep crazy hours and I've always been a night person.
One thing people don't talk about is the way sometimes it's easier. I think you don't necessarily want to admit about yourself, but sometimes when I'm padding about, at three o'clock in the morning, I think I don't have to be quiet. I can make as much noise as I want to, I can get up out of bed and do something, if I feel like it. Not everything is awful all the time."
One thing people don't talk about is the way sometimes it's easier. I think you don't necessarily want to admit about yourself, but sometimes when I'm padding about, at three o'clock in the morning, I think I don't have to be quiet. I can make as much noise as I want to, I can get up out of bed and do something, if I feel like it. Not everything is awful all the time."
Dale - 54 years together, 4 years after: "I guess that she, when she died, it was a blessing completely. She didn't know who I was. She could no longer stay here because she tried to get out and escape. And that's what keeps me going now. Whenever I thought about how sad it was that she wasn't here, I always thought about how awful it would be for her if she was.
I believe that Marti's in Heaven. It gives me comfort to know she's in a much better place and happy.
Some people in the very beginning, they were trying to find somebody for me. I said I had the best. The best. Don't play tricks and games with me."
I believe that Marti's in Heaven. It gives me comfort to know she's in a much better place and happy.
Some people in the very beginning, they were trying to find somebody for me. I said I had the best. The best. Don't play tricks and games with me."
Mike - 21 years together, 1 year after: "She died when she was 39 and I was 40. We met in high school, traveled to college together, traveled around the world, ended up here together. It was kind of crazy because we became adults together and so everything that I knew about being a functioning adult was a skill set that I had developed in tandem with somebody else. And, so all of a sudden being single, it was really disorientating. I mean, beyond everything else that goes with coupledom, everything that I loved about her and everything, I mean, everything that was her, that was lost. And not having a sounding board."
Sue 55 years together, 11 years after: "I went to a bereavement group at the 'Y' and I said the problem that I had was that I had no women friends. We were all couples. And so one of the yentas said to me when you stop playing bridge with all the men you'll have women friends'. So I started to play Mah- Jongg."
Gail F - 23 years together, 7 weeks after: "All the phone calls and all the paperwork, you know, that takes up a lot of my time. So I'm focused more on that than woe is me. And then I also think of the fact that he's so much more comfortable than what he was before. It wasn't right that he continued to live in that pain. It isn't right for anyone to suffer. And whatever I have, whatever feelings I might have, even down the road, they'll be so minimal compared to what other people go through in this world today. Everything. I put everything in the right perspective."
Ellen -10 years together, 6.5 years after: "I kept on looking for some young widow group. I couldn't find anything that looked appealing. I found a support group online that I would occasionally post on. But I tried to go to therapy a few times and couldn't find a good match. I didn't connect with anybody. I didn't feel like I found the right person at the time. And I was so focused on getting my kids' mental health sorted that that kind of became secondary."
Richard - 18 years together, 2.5 years after: "One of the things that Nancy used to get on me about is finding something to do during the day - and that's it, I don't have any interests. She went to Pilates three days a week. She went to Tai Chi, she took up knitting and she made this sweater for me. And so she kept herself very busy, she had a book club at night, once a month. I guess I'm just not into any of that. I like to go out at night and listen to music and have a couple of drinks. That's my life. It's my lifestyle before marriage, during marriage and since, you know, she passed away."
Carol - 53 years together, 1.5 years after: "I am very grateful. He was on home hospice. He did not want to be in a hospital bed and he was in our bed. I slept with him. He wanted to be able to touch me and this was sometimes very hard for me. At one point I almost said to the hospice social worker, I don't think I can do this, but I stopped within two seconds and said, ' I'm doing this - do not place him anywhere. I don't want him to be placed anywhere. I want him to be here.'"
Sari - 22 years together, 16 years after: "I don't think there were fireworks when we first met, but it was very easy to be together and it kept getting better."
Sam - 38 years together, 13 years after: "We'd both been in a long-term monogamous relationship and I think we find that situation comfortable."
Sari: "I was a relationship person my whole life. My husband died right before my 50th birthday. I knew that by 60 I'd be married. I just knew. I'm a relationship person."
Sam: "I think we're both lucky. We both acknowledge that side of our lives is important. You don't minimize it. We share all sorts of things, quirks of our former spouses. Sari finally sees, in my daughter, a lot of what my wife was like."
Edith - 33 years together, 4 years after: "Every Friday I have breakfast food for dinner because it was a Friday that he died and I made him brunch. I made this brunch and that's when he asked me, you know, you usually do Sunday brunch, why Friday, you know something I don't know? I said, no, I just figured that we should do this. He said I don't know- you're up to something. I said 'no' and so now every Friday I'm alone, and I have breakfast food on a Friday."
Barbara - 50 years together, 4 years after: "Friends were in touch and some people wanted to come by right away and bring things. And actually I wanted to be quiet and alone. Didn't want a circus. I never wanted a lot of people around. My daughter pointed it out because she came after and she said, 'it's so quiet here'. And I stopped listening to everything. The news, music - I always had music going - and I didn't listen to music for at least a year, not deliberately."
Dennis - 12 years together, 3 months after: "She died the second month of this year, February. I'm seeing a lot of people from all walks of my life. I'm getting together for lunches, dinners, hanging out with people and I'm also seeing my therapist twice a week. So I guess I'm taking care of myself the best I can. I'm scared because, you know, I'm 72. Judy and I found love relatively late in life and I thought we would grow old together, I really feel lost,really feel like the wind kicked out of me and I feel like half a person. So every day is different. Some days are more weepy than others. I'm not sure what brings it on. I don't like being home by myself in the mornings, and the nights are very hard. I wake up with a lot of anxiety in my chest."
Edward - 58 years together, 8 months after: "Neil was sick for a long time. I'm glad he died before me. He couldn't have managed on his own.Now, I don't know what to do with myself a lot of the time. I mean, there's lots I have to do. I haven't really been able to settle down to writing for about five years because things got very heavy. I'm now starting to think about that. It's coming to me that it would be a very good thing to do, to write about the story of our relationship".